Better Days and Accepting Love 

We all have better days, when the sun is out and you feel calm and lighter. You know it’s still there hiding away but you seem to be more in control of it. 

Today is one of those days for me, I have been having moments but I’ve been trying to distract myself with changing the music I’m listening to. Thunder is a great one for that for me, Danny’s voice, powerful lyrics and the sound of the guitar gives me a lift.

I’ve also been listening to Healing the Core Wound of Unworthiness which is brilliant, it has really helped me today.  It is basically, for me, accepting love and realising that I am worthy of it. If you have audible it’s well worth a listen.

The sun is shining and I feel a little more in control although I am still very fragile and have a lack of concentration today. 


Letting go..

How do you let go of something that is eating you up inside? The pain and sickness it causes is horrible and something I can’t control.

Even though I know the relationship would never have worked I have found myself feeling physically sick at the thought of him being with someone else. Why? I know we were really just friends, I know that I wanted much more for myself than he could ever give me. He was a heavy drinker and had no real ambition or motivation to want to explore and experience life. His life revolved around work, home, the pub his small circle of friends and his kids. Set in his ways he kept photographs of his ex (who had died) on display at home throughout out 18 month relationship which was extremely difficult for me. I felt as though he hadn’t moved on and he openly admitted she was the love of his life. 

I also found it extremely hard to come to terms with him potentially going to prison for assault. The incident happened  a month after we met and had been hanging over us constantly.  There were many times he pushed me away or I pushed him away, I was determined to get on with my life but we always ended up seeing each other again and falling into the same routine of dinner, wine, beer, soaps, bed, maybe darts, maybe the pub, maybe dinner with the kids or friends..again, for me, the niggling negative thoughts come knocking..I don’t want to spend my life drinking and getting drunk with him and his friends, I don’t want to not go anywhere, I knew I needed someone who was more like me, wanted to see different places, enjoy new experiences, new food, music, nature…he was never like that, that just wasn’t him. 

He was really funny, loyal and would do anything for anyone.  He showed his love by making me dinner, making me laugh and being very kind and caring BUT we both wanted and needed different things.
I dated a lot of people during the 18 months, searching for the person who would be everything I’ve ever wanted. Loving, tactile, emotional, someone who could look after me emotionally for the rest of my life, someone who I feel would never leave me or let me down.

So finally I decided enough was enough with him and that we needed to move on with our lives, he agreed. He has begun seeing a woman from the darts team he plays for..she’s large, loud, drinks a lot, swears a lot and is, I think perfect for him. 

Why on earth am I feeling sick constantly? why can’t I stop thinking about him and her together? Why am I feeling angry? When I know we both want and need different things.

I feel like she had stolen the life I had with him even though it wasn’t what I wanted. All of his friends and his children have now met her, she’s made a big impact on him and those around him.

I am jealous but I don’t want him. I want this feeling to stop, I want this sick feeling that’s eating me away from the inside to just go. It’s like a stone in my chest. 

How can I do that? 

I’ve blocked all of his friends on Facebook, blocked her (after she sent me a friend request) but happened to see a photo of him, her and all his friends happy, laughing and drunk in the pub before I did.

I feel like it’s making me sick, consuming my thoughts, it’s totally irrational but it’s like I have no control over it. I’m feeling suicidal, angry, hurt, tired. I can’t concentrate…

In the middle of all of this I have spent time with an amazing man who has loved me for years, he’s kind, loving, romantic, thoughtful, generous, wants to take care of me, he’s someone I can rely on, he’s loyal, I feel safe and completely loved by him. He wants, like me to explore different places, there are so many things he wants to do with me and take me to see. He loves nature, animals, birds..he has an interest in life and the world. Yes he is older and not you’re average man, he’s big and looks a bit like my dad but I know I need him and I know he’ll take care of me in every single way. My sons think he’s a bit weird and tries to hard because he has never stopped loving me, sending me gifts, cards, helping me when I need it.  

I have pushed him away for a long time, for so many different reasons..I have realised it is because I have never felt worthy of his love, I have never felt I deserved to be happy, loved and feel secure because no man has ever looked after me and loved me the way he does.

I am now learning to accept his love and to realise I do deserve it. I pray that my children and family understand why I am with him and see that for the first time in my life I have a man who loves me completely.

He understands I have depression, he has given me space to do what I need to do at times of crisis when the blackness decends. Instead of pushing him away like I have been I’m trying to learn to go towards him and let him look after me. I need someone to look after me and love me despite my illness, I know he will do that.

So you see I have two different battles going on in my head right now, it’s like the dark (pain, anger, hurt, grief, resentment about my ex) and the light (love, comfort, trust, healing, a new life).

I’m desperate for the light to win but I’m battling the darkness, how do I keep the dark from engulfing the light? I feel like I’m having a crisis and have even thought about phoning the Samaritans because I can’t live like this anymore and I’m frightened. I’m swimming towards the light but the blackness keeps engulfing me..I’m praying that with every day the light will get brighter and the heavy feeling in my chest (my past) will go and I can relax and be happy.

A form of therapy

My hope for this blog is a way of being able to express myself as a form of therapy for my struggle with the black days of depression.

Depression for me has been part of my life for over thirty years.  I first began showing the signs of depression when I was about 13 or 14 after I was raped.  I have never played the victim and have always tried to fight against depression but it always wins.

I won’t say too much now but all will become apparent in my posts, you will see an insight into my mind, how I think, feel, react, deal with coping with my illness on a day to day basis.